Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
