dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
