I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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