I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
