So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
