Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
