Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
