I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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