So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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