My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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