She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize