i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
