Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
