how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
