Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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