I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
