My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
