that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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