My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I die, sorry about rent.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
