Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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