So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
