i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
