i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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