so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
