Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
