Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
