I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When are your genitals available?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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