There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
