he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She's the barista slut.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize