My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
