The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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