Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
