why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
