I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
then he tried to convert me to islam
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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