I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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