Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
