I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I did not marry a roomba.
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