In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
