I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
