We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
