she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
