if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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