I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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