My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
