Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
no, he came in my armpit
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
