you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
