fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
