That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Even my vagina gasped.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
