thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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