whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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