my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
