I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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