Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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