i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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