So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
